Extra-Ordinary Superpowers

Everyone wants to be special. Everyone wants to have that one thing they're the best it, what they're known for - in many cases, what defines them as a person. I am not everyone. I accept the fact that I am good at a lot of things and the best at none just as I accept that I know a little bit about damn near everything, but am an expert in practically nothing.

This scattershot approach to life works for me, and I do not question it. But this is not to say that I am ordinary. Far from it, as everyone who has ever met me (and most people who have only heard of me) will readily tell you. This, however, extends primarily to my towering height, outsized wit, and/or spot-on impression of Sir Lawrence Olivier.

It's amusing what people will believe when you present them with a secret identity.

That's right. I - and, I suspect, many others - possess secret superpowers that ordinary mortals would exhibit polite interest learning about. It's always a struggle, trying to keep the lid on my innate gifts, but I've managed to keep them under wraps for quite some time. I only bring them into the open now to encourage others to shed the mask they have been living behind, and reveal their true selves to the world.

It is with this high-minded ideal in mind that I present this list of my Perfectly Ordinary Superpowers. Each POS on its own is powerful and frightening, but you shouldn't be alarmed. I am no more dangerous than any other 6'7" rage-filled Irish giant you might cross paths with, but keep in mind that if you should wrong me, things could some become very ... uncomfortable for you (largely as a result of this first power, but still).

Super Awkward

We've all met awkward people before. Whether it's the painfully cheesy guy who's convinced he's the most hilarious thing since sliced bread or simply the loner girl who's perfected the piercing stare without ever mentioning a word to anyone else, they exist all around us.

Rank amateurs, says I.

I possess the unique ability to turn any situation excruciatingly awkward at the drop of a hat. It can be as simple as dumping Diet Pepsi all over my khakis when I first meet someone, or as silly as saying the wrong thing ("Who could possibly like x?" I boom as part of a joke, to which I invariably get "I like x," seeping acidly from another's lips in return). Regardless, it as a skill as of yet unmatched by anyone I've met. Though, to be fair, were I to square off against another who powers in the same range as mine, it would be a distressing meeting for everyone in the general vicinity.

Super Reflexes

We're not talking about whacking my knees with tiny rubber hammers. I'm taking reflexes here, people, like hearing your boss walk down the hall to ask you to work over the weekend and being quick enough to duck under your desk and silently roll out the door.

Granted, a vast majority of the situations where I call upon my reflexes are in fact of my own making, but my sloth-like speed and aging bovine-eqsue grace have proven themselves time and time again. Two quick examples:

As I walk down store aisles, there's a large amount of kinetic energy that needs to be stopped if, say, a small (stupid) child decides to cut in front of me and I'm barely paying attention. I've yet to trample any young'uns, but my quick movement usually requires half-throwing myself at shelves. This action causes an equal and opposite reaction of products leaping off the shelves in some sort of retail suicide attempt. On one occasion, I slammed into a shelf of clocks with my back and felt them wobble. I automatically reached my hand up and pinned one against my back in mid-air. holding it there.

An elderly female clerk, who watched the whole thing, stared at me as I tried to catch my breath and feel around to get a good grip on the clock. She scowled at me. "I know it fell, where is it?" she demanded. "Trapped between my hand and my back. Gimme a second," I responded loftily. Only my deft hands saved that timepiece from shattering on the unclean floor, doomed forever to the "clearance bin" for maladjusted products.

Similarly, during high school I went to a McDonald's while on a basketball trip. Being a mere (where the value of "mere" is six feet, three inches) freshman at the time, I obediently stood in the back of the line while the upperclassmen ordered and received their food. When I finally got mine, the box of fries for some reason stood on its two little "feet" about an inch away from the tray's left front lip. A senior tried to squeeze down the same narrow aisle as me, so I maneuvered to the side to let him pass. He still accidentally bumped me, causing the fries to tip over and hurtle toward the ground. Without even thinking, I reached with my right hand (hanging onto the tray with my left) over the breadth/depth of the tray, grabbing and arresting the fries mid-fall. I lost a total of three fries that day.

Super Sleep

Technically, this isn't the ability to sleep so much as the ability to wake, but "Super Awakening" just doesn't have the same ring. Besides, my powers, my names.

I have no practical need for an alarm clock. I currently roll out of bed with nary but my cell phone to wake me, but even its (hilarious) ringtone alarm remains largely superfluous, serving only to elicit small chuckle as I roll over to turn it off, completely awake.

That's right. I don't need technology to tell me when it's time to get up. My body takes care of that on its own. Unless I'm incapacitated (read: stone drunk) or already sleep-deprived the night before, I can wake up within five minutes of whatever time I want to. Suck it, Circadian rhythms. Your internal clock has nothing on mine. And we're not even talking about waking up an hour early and having to keep checking the time, or even doing it on a daily basis at the exact same time. I can set my internal alarm early, late - it matters not. I may not be the most chipper person in the world, but I rather suspect that has more to do with my refusal to drink coffee than anything else.

Consider yourself warned, citizens. Prior knowledge of the existence of my superpowers implies a waiver on your part regarding any damages you may sustain from my exercise of them. One day, you just might wake up ... but I'll already be ready.